We all cherish avocado, but let’s admit it:  it’s not a very giving lover.  Half the time we find in the store, it’s completely unripe and could be used as a whetstone.  Other times, it’s so ridiculously soft that merely inspecting it in the supermarket not only dents the damn peel, but unleashes the sickeningly sweet stench of death.  Avocados are fickle.

Even if, though, you either happen to luck out and discover the Most Perfectly Ripe Avocado in your supermarket (as I did at Marks & Spencer the other day), or you buy an unripe one, put it in a brown paper bag on your kitchen counter (sure-fire method) and let it stew for a day or two, once you pop that green gooper’s cherry you’d better be willing to commit.  That’s right — in the words of the immortal Beyonce, if you like it then you’d better put a ring on it.  Consume that avocado immediately, man, or you’ll get burned.

For the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday, I decided to have a one-man party in my flat in London as the actual ceremony started at 1 am local time, making it rather difficult for those with busier schedules than mine (read: those who are gainfully employed).  Still, as I am never one to turn down a chance at celebratory awards decadence, I made some homemade potato skins, some deviled eggs, piled up some cheeses, and rounded it all off with a bag of tortilla chips and some of my dang good guacamole.

My standard recipe calls for four avocados — which, if there are two to three people, seems to be almost not enough.  The cheese and eggs were, in fact, last minute additions and thus under my original calculations I figured the guacamole would be consumed entirely by yours truly.  Consequently, I prepared far too much food for one person (thanks for rubbing off on me, Mom) and there was, gasp, a gratuitous guac surplus.

I’m not going to lie — I knew what would happen; I just should have tossed it in the trash.  Even lemon juice cannot stop the hands of time.  Still, my Moneyless Self did not want to waste the £2.50:  I kept the guacamole, hoping beyond hope that the magically foggy weather of England would over-hydrate the air and stave off oxidation.  Oh, how wrong was I.  Click here for the result.  Possibly NSFW; certainly not to be done with any Mexicans around.

The only avocados truly safe from oxidation are those from which you abstain.  No lemon-flavored spermicide can save you from the grey-brown, airy HIV of the Aztec testicle tree.